| Dear Caroline..... hahaha.... |
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| 09:44pm 20/09/2007 |
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Update:
I should delete this bc many posts make me cringe in regret.
I'm still bored
I still don't have a clue where I'm going
Livejournal=ghosttown.
Sike, I only had like 3 people that would read mine....Caro, Brit and Jane...
so if any of you see this- HELLO! |
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8loves - spread some love |
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| 09:59pm 31/01/2007 |
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I have, I have you breathing down my neck, breathing down my neck
I don't, don't know what you could possibly expect under this condition so
I'll wait, I'll wait for the ambulance to come, ambulance to come
Pick us up off the floor. What did you possibly expect under this condition? So
Slow down, this nights a perfect shade of...
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? Well, I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down.
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? Well, I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning 'til there's nothing but dark blue
Just dark blue
And this flood, this flood is slowly rising up, swallowing the ground
Beneath, my feet. Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition. So
I'll swim, I'll swim as the water rises up, sun is sinking and now
All I can see is the planets in a row suggesting it's best that I
Slow down. This nights a perfect shade of...
We were boxing, we were boxing the stars
We were boxing (we were boxing) you were swinging from Mars
And then the water reached the west coast
And took the power lines, the power lines
And it was me and you and the whole town underwater
There was nothing we could do
It was dark blue |
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| brand new brand new |
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| 06:33pm 20/11/2006 |
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Jesus Christ, that’s a pretty face,
the kind you’d find on someone that could save.
If they don’t put me away,
well it’ll be a miracle.
Do you believe you’re missing out?
Everything good is happening somewhere else.
But with nobody in your bed,
the night’s hard to get through.
And I will die, all alone.
And when I arrive, I won’t know anyone.
Well Jesus Christ I’m alone again,
so what did you do those three days you were dead?
‘Cuz this problem’s gonna last,
more than the weekend.
Well Jesus Christ, I’m not scared to die,
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after.
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?
Do I, divide, and fall apart?
‘Cuz my bright, is too sly, to hold back all my dark.
And the ship, went down, in sight of land.
And at the gates, does Thomas, ask to see my hands?
I know you'll come in the night like a thief.
But I’ve had some time alone, to hold my lions at bay.
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust.
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up(and you won't know).
So do you think that we could work out a psalm?
So I’ll know it’s you and that it's over so I won't even try.
I know you’re coming for the people like me.
We all got wood and nails, we try n’ tear down hate and factory.
We all got wood and nails, don’t tear down hate n’ factory.
We all got wood and nails, and we sleep inside of this machine."
*this song is so beautiful. listen to it and you too will agree. |
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| great day to be democraticcc |
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| 06:43pm 08/11/2006 |
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Ok I use to be the least political person ever.
but then,i got to thinking about it, I remember when Clinton and Dole were running against each other and that was in the 3rd grade bc I remember Mrs. Blocher being my teacher.. and I remember choosing sides, i think it was Dole. why? b/c i knew he was the underdog.
now of course, if I was aware of politics, I would have supported Clinton. Even if he got caught with his zipper down, Clinton was a good president.
then there was Gore vs. Bush and I was Gore all the way.
Kerry vs. Bush, Kerry.
and now OMalley vs. Erlich and Cardin vs. Steele.
of course I voted democrat. because I am one. I'm pro choice, anti war, basically I support the democratic party bc they are for the people, they are liberals, they are more open, pro women, pro minorities, pro things that matter to me. I'm not bashing on republicans. and thats the worst part of politics, it's ugly. it's an ugly race. but everyone involved are good people. they have families. they are humans just like you and me but they dedicate their lives to politics and want to help our government and for that, i respect both republicans and democrats.
i may not agree with them, and i def. do not support Bush at all....
i am just happy that democrats are owning the place now.
and ive surprised myself with how involved im getting. but this is the way I see it: I'm 18 now. I can vote now. I need to care and I want to care. so I am.
im not writing this to pick fights with republicans,oki doki? |
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5loves - spread some love |
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| and i really wish you were outta my head for good |
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| 01:36am 06/11/2006 |
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i'll tell you why i don't want to know where you are
i got a joke i been dying to tell you
a silent kid is looking down the barrel
to make the noise that i kept so quiet
i kept it from you, pitseleh
i'm not what's missing from your life now
i could never be the puzzle pieces
they say that god makes problems
just to see what you can stand
before you do as the devil pleases
and give up the thing you love
but no one deserves it
the first time i saw you i knew it would never last
i'm not half what i wish i was
i'm so angry
i don't think it'll ever pass
and i was bad news for you just because
i never meant to hurt you |
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| 01:53am 01/11/2006 |
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It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you'd feel the same things
Everybody knows
Tt hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
Oh, we're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
And you're so much like me
I'm sorry
so. basically. im once again bored with my life. first of all, my social life sucks. don't get me wrong, i have made friends here. and they are fun. but, they always leave on the weekend and we never go out to parties or anything. sometimes,its nice and i don't mind, but then i think "what am i missing out on?" i see everyones facebooks and hear stories,and i get jealous and sad. it's not the same here.
i miss the atmosphere of highschool. every night,i was out. i smoked.i drank. i fucking miss smoking so much it's insane. i crave it,which is sad. and i mean,isnt college suppose to be easier? easier to find weed and beer? it is yet i have zero connections nor do i feel like going solo to parties. imnot a party girl,i know im not, i like drinking...but i dont like insane out of control parties. i guess im missing that gene or something.
i want something new. i want to do something bold. i want to be 21 and go to bars. this halloween blows. i miss my friends. i miss my car. im trapped here. and its not fun being trapped here.
i like college. i do. do i like towson? no. if i knew what i know now,i would have never applied bc its nothing special, i want to go away.
junior year. if im still thinking this way, i'm going to do something. right now,if i switched colleges, i dont know...i dont know if i could cope being far away from my family quite yet. i will be one day, but not right now.
i want to fastforward.
my lovelife sucks. i havent met one single boy.something is wrong with me. oh thats right,i dont try. and i look like complete shit as always bc my hair is awful. i dont feel pretty. and im surrounded by blonde bimbos that are drunk 15/7.....
i must give off bad vibes or make people nauseated with my looks.
my face is too fat, ive got love handles like no other, but im too damn lazy to work out because i was born without that gene as well.
i wish live was served to you on a silver platter.i really do.
but it never is.
i normally love halloween. but now im in my sweats, craving a cigarette and watching reba while listening to ben folds sing depressing songs and im sad/bored/lonely out of my mind. |
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| 03:40am 10/10/2006 |
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Today was wonderful. Kristen&Brittany came to visit me and I realized how much I miss friends in catonsville. as much as I ...don't like that town, I love some of the people cville has to offer.
I just miss driving around & singing to old pop songs & laughing & smoking while driving... gah. i was so sad when they left. i really miss them.........
I miss...
Kristen
Brittany
Shannon
Caroline
Amber
Chrissy
Kay
Melissa
Casey
Jane
Alysa
The entire Davis family
Dave...
i miss people that I know gave a damn about me at one point and made me feel genuinely happy/loved.
but i have met people at towson that have the potential....everyone's got potential, it's just the matter of holding on to them and building friendships that are amazing&fun&trustworthy&ugghh now im SAD |
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| 06:39pm 02/10/2006 |
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Im in one of those crappy moods. the ones where you don't really know whats wrong,but you know somethings wrong. of course i'm sinking into another funk which I do quite frequently. a lot of things are on my mind, a lot of friendships arent the same which was a given when I left for college, I miss old friendships... I just miss the old me. 2 summers ago I didnt have a care in the world. I always had fun, I was always out and about, I felt really loved.
I've always felt loved. hell,I feel it here and it's nice. but something was different back then. I had really awesome friends and I completely fucked it all up and now nothing is or can ever be the same and it sucks. I wish I could go back in time and do it again and not fuck it up but if I did that,it would be very selfish because all of them are in a really good place and are loving life and its really me who is just down in the dumps, i dont know whats with this day...or past days,ive just missed old friends so much.
i just miss the atmosphere of summer. i just miss people.
at the same time,im doing nothing to fix some friendships.i dont call,i dont visit...
i rely on this laptop and AIM to keep in touch and thats silly and I shouldnt but I do.
whatever,im done. |
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| 10:39pm 27/09/2006 |
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catonsville.is a teenage wasteland.
i knew there was a reason why i loved that song.
maybe im just caught up in the moment but i swear. that town keeps getting worse.
went to go watch my brothers soccer game.
i hate that damn school and that damn town.
the end. |
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2loves - spread some love |
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| 06:41pm 25/09/2006 |
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music: Say Anything- Alive in the glory of love
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I miss writing in this thing,so I'm going to start back. I should have started this whole thing when I got to college, because. I'm in a much better place versus the whole "oh im 17 and i think i have it so tough" when I've never had it tough. I only have had tough times when I've fucked up and cause myself to be in the middle of a mess.
but I'm out of high school, I'm focusing on my future, I'm meeting new people, I have a clean slate...
and I'm already finding out things about me that surprise me but also make me happy because I'm in the process of really settling into my own skin. I don't feel anxious, nervous, rarely ever depressed... it's been really nice. Once I got past the whole home-sickness, I was fine. Looking back, I shouldnt have been that depressed over it because I am so close and I have seen my family basically every weekend and that's nice because I love my family and I enjoy being close to them.
I'm already itching to go farther. I've left the cville bubble, but I basically just went to the next town over...
I want to save money, and take a year off after graduating and just go wherever.
random memories keep coming at me and I am just so done with my past. I don't even care the mistakes I made, the embarassing shit I did...because it's not who I am anymore. Fuck people who fucked me over in the past, fuck people who made me feel bad for just being me and making my own mistakes. those people were never really worth it now as I think back. I have met a ton of amazing people thus far in life and I plan on keeping in touch with all but at the same time, I am so happy with the people i've met. I swear, this one girl I met is exactly like me and I have so much fun with her, my roomate thought we were already best friends. Oh my roomie Dena... I love her. I just love the girls in my quad, I click with a lot of them.
I'm also so happy because I still talk to my friends from home basically every day. I'm just in a really good place. I have cleared my head of all the stupid shit that once bothered me, I'm just ready to be me and it's really nice.
the past is just that. it's behind me. it's gone.
PEACE OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT |
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| time makes you bolder |
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| 02:24am 16/09/2006 |
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So it's been like 3 weeks since I started college. I havent been getting crunked off my ass, I havent been overwhelmed with stress. actually, I have realized a lot more about myself and what I like,what I dislike and it's really nice to be in a new place,with new people and really have no boundaries except those i set for myself. sure i'm still living off my parents but it has changed since i'm not under their roof.
basically,I have met some really cool people and so far, have realized a lot about myself and I notice I have changed a lot. and I'm glad, I'm getting stronger,smarter and a more better person. i also decided i may have made bad decisions in the past, but from now on, they are no longer a part of me. it's a clean slate and I am having a blast. high school doesnt matter anymore and thank god. there is a world outside of catonsville and at first i wanted so badly to be back in that bubble but now that I got out(ok it's not that far but it's not catonsville) I realize I can go a lot more out there. who knows. you never know where life is going to take you. I may not spend all 4 years at Towson,or I may. but now I realize that I really do want to branch out,I just have to make that really big leap. I want to go to California, New Orleans, Chicago, I want to go to London, Scottland, Paris, Italy, i want to go everywhere. which may be unrealistic but now I realize I can do it. I'm having more faith in myself now and I gotta do things for myself now. i gotta do what i gotta do.
or maybe things will end out differently. but we all have dreams.
eh. we'll see.
peace out. |
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1love - spread some love |
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| 04:13am 16/05/2006 |
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BluIce587: well me and my parents were talking last night about my friends and both my dad and mom were like we really like meg alot and if she ever needs anything we r here for her
and that is how i know that underneath it all,im a good person. it may not shout it. but to me-thats all I need.
a person can forget that time to time when their mind is full of bullshit that other people attempt to present as the truth.
but then that person is reminded of all the love&support she has, and the pressure of everything seems to fade away.
ive realized closure doesnt come in one dosage. it comes in a million and it can happen any day, for many days, or at the end of every month or every year. it can happen in the smallest way, a way that others may find irrelevant, insignificant... but it doesnt matter how it happens, or who gives it to you, what matters is it makes you feel whole.
and to think this is only the beginning. ive got 4 years of something new ahead and then my whole life. and i am so excited. it's still bittersweet. but THANK BABY JESUS ITS COMIN SOON!
i blame grey's anatomy and the impending graduation for the result of this slightly odd, funny sounding, corny entry. but i love it |
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1love - spread some love |
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| 04:08am 20/02/2006 |
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this weekend just shows that it's all repetitive and now turning extremely boring maybe its just me i just take a look around and want to jump on a midnight train going the flip anywhere thats what it makes me want to do if i wrote out what i really want to say it will just piss off people and i dont want to be a hypocrite because its everywhere in every town with everyone but i just wish right now all i want to do it sit down and just talk to someone who gets what im trying to say but im sure that kind of person is out doing the same thing every night but yet we all think it but we cant do anything about it becauses its overwhelming or something now ive confused myself i wish i could verbally talk about this but actually im kind of lazy and dont feel like it because i get really bad service and very content with my position because im sitting which is always good and listening to radiohead you cant go wrong with that. or go bad i dont know right now that was my first period i use in this entry i think maybe not im tired |
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| 04:57am 18/02/2006 |
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sometimes i really dont get me i feel like shit right now i cant explain it
tonight's making me think
i'm listening to this song and i feel like crying
i dont really know if i should call someone or not
part of me says yes but the other part knows im not myself at the moment for illegal reasons and i may end up sounding like a rambling idiot that i am. i dont knowi 'd rather get this out on a computer because its a lot easier and its an outlet for dumb ramblings like this i dont know i dont really want to call anyone i dont do well in those kind of things sometimes really bad with conversation. im lacking in that department. maybe its just this high and maybe im paranoid and just id ont know |
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2loves - spread some love |
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| 02:11am 08/02/2006 |
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so baby, lets split tonight,
I got a tank full of gas till light.
Yeah we can drive for miles and miles
i do believe this is what they call a change. im just not exactly sure what the reason is for all of this. but i am sure i am quite excited for college. i mean,it's going to be scary but high school,anxiety and jitters will all fade away and by the end of this year, i'll be somewhere different and have a clean slate. and just a few months ago,i was having panic attacks and meltdowns over the whole college process. things have a funny way of turning out. time is really all you need, and with time, you'll find out a whole lotta things. currently, im confused as hell and pretty down most of the times but sometimes aren't so bad so thats always a plus. and soon this gay hamlet project will be done............ but only for like an hour until she pops another one at us. |
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| 01:10am 31/01/2006 |
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I have made a mess
and i really don't know what to do
i feel like i could either...
A. throw up
B. cry
C. sleep
I'm going to go with C.
i really don't knowwww what to do or who to go to, i wish i could send myself to a remote island and be completely isolated from everyone and everything. sadly though,this isnt the first time i've want to do this. i keep getting myself into shit and i never really have true reasonings for it,i just do it,i push myself away i dont know why, maybe i'm saving myself, i dont really know what from, i really don't know. but this is the time when these funks get so bad that i dont even know what im doing anymore and all i want to do is play scrabble with my family because honestly, feelings may change, friendships may end, but you've always got your family. as corny as that sounds,its damn true. i need to find out what the fuck is going on with me. because im at a lost for words,i dont know what im doing anymore. and i think im finally realizing it after months of putting it off. some people don't know how to speak up,some people are in denial, some people avoid and avoid. and i am part of those types. it's not a good thing, but i cant help it |
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2loves - spread some love |
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| 03:24am 27/01/2006 |
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i still have zero motivation towards school work.
im currently skimming over sparknotes instead of actually reading hamlet. simply because, i cannot focus on any word of that book.
my mind has been..actually i was going to say all over the place but in all actuality it hasnt been. this month feels like a bad rollercoast ride. it started out exciting. but then turned out to be a stupid ride, with no twists or turns, no upside downs, but a slow,dull,stupid kiddy ride that's no fun at all.
i failed another psych. test, which comes as no surprise. i cannot focus at all when it comes to english. but i figure i got into all the colleges i applied too, there's always ccbc....and hey,they can't take it back! they accepted me and as long as i dont fail...i'm in the clear. so. i can sleep at night.
i just wish i had something exciting.
i don't know.
it's not fun anymore i guess. i feel like everything is in slow-mo and i really wish these days would go by fast. |
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1love - spread some love |
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| the thrills....they give me thrills... |
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| 12:47am 23/01/2006 |
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radioblogs....so great for discovering bands. actually,thats a lie. ive heard this song. (a la oc). but now. now this great thing i like to call the internet and my love for finding free music...has led me to discover more lovely songs.
now. this is the song of the moment
You show your age,
when you drown your rage.
But I see past those laughter lines,
so baby, lets split tonight,
I got a tank full of gas till light.
Yeah we can drive for miles and miles
But you just said,
Not for all the love in the world
Not for all the love in the world
Cause she didnt realize, now thats a lotta love
Pipe dreams fade,
and all the underdogs get laid.
Left your heart in the hands of a jugglin clown.
And so you crave recognition,
but the keys to the city were missing
People aren't puzzles to be figured out
But you just said,
Not for all the love in the world
Not for all the love in the world
Cause she didnt realize, now thats a lotta love
I guess that everybody,
went to a better party
Not for all the love in the world
Not for all the love in the world
But she didnt realize, now thats a lotta love. |
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